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November 26, 2017
 I think about today, Your orange jumpsuit took me away! You looked like a convict and it took me by surprise. But you should have seen the stunned look in your eyes. When you looked at me and realized who I was. Yes, I was there to visit you because, I've always been there, When you say I don't care. But what you fail to see, Is that every time that you flee, It was always me, Who looked for you desperately. I keep thinking of how it felt as though your eyes begged me to stay. Maybe it was just me projecting it that way. You searched for a sign that my love for you was there. I searched in your eyes wondered if for us you even truly cared? "God damn I miss you!" Is what I really wanted to say, "I love you despite how you treated us this way!" But I held my tongue and looked away when you searched. Afraid that you would somehow see those thoughts in my mind giving birth. 'Stay strong girl, do not shed a tear, Not as long as you're sitting here. Do not let him see you, vulnerable or meek, For he'll take that as you are weak!' At one point I wish the glass wasn't there, I think I said it out loud and made you aware. That I wanted to hug you despite your affair. Despite you still blaming me and being unfair. Like you had no part in what you did to us there. What you did was a hundred times worse then what came from me. You played the major leagues, While I played peewee. But this is something you fail to see. You are not mentally well, many will agree. You put me through hell, for no reason at all. And picked fights with me that were petty and small. Like me covering you with a blanket, instead of laying in your arm. Or on the second night when I had a cold and asked you to sleep in your room and away from flu's harm. Or the night that I tickled you and called you a weirdo, You couldn't seem to let that go. And away you walked out of the door, To roam the streets at night once more. Now I know what you did out there, You drank, you smoked you took what others would spare. You were doing hard drugs, now I see the signs. But at that time, I was totally blind. I had no clue, What was happening to you. Met her almost as soon as you moved in with me. And you perused her and went to drink with her coffee. While I was at work living a lie. You'd dropped me off and picked me up, you held my hand like the sweetest guy. Then came the day we got in that fight, I slapped you really hard and that wasn't alright. But how dare you mention the death of our child?! Your eyes were cold and distant, you got me all riled. I kicked you out that day and regretted it that night. Went searching for you but you were nowhere in sight. You disappeared on me for four fucken nights!! I was beside myself searching the streets by moonlight! Finally on the fourth fucking night, You sent me an email, that you were alright. I said "where are you?? I thought that you left town." You said "you'd never be far from us, you'd always be around." You came home that night, But I knew somerhing wasn't right. We talked the next day And I had this to say: "If you're doing drugs or had some sexual encounter do not touch me again" You looked at me upset and said "How dare you think I'd do that to my best friend? I thought you thought higher of me, but I see that you don't. I thought that you knew me but I guess you won't" I felt guilty in my heart for treating you this way. And I asked you to forgive me and said "don't go again, stay." We laid there in bed and made passionate love. "You told me you loved me and I was sent to you from above." We had two beautiful weeks of happiness and bliss. And I was really looking forward to the rest of our lives like this. But then came the day, we had a great time, We shot that last video and pictures by lunchtime. We went back to our home and put up our christmas tree. I felt pregnant tired, so I finally sat down and you came to kiss me. We were all happy, and laughing and such, I knew you were stressing about your mom but not that much. You talked to her that evening, while we all waited on you. It seemed like it was going well, Like you had a breakthrough. I was happy to hear you guys talking positive. But hungry as hell and baby needed food to live. I got grumpy but didn't show it, I was quiet listening to you talk about you and your mom, and you know it. But I mentioned to you, I hurt and I'm scared. You didn't even acknowledge me, like you weren't even aware, Aware I was there. I said "thanks babe!" In a sarcastic tone. That was enough to make you angry, and our night was blown. "Im going for a walk!" You said angry at me. It didn't feel right, were you about to flee? But you left all your things, that mattered to you. So you took off that evening, which made me feel blue. I waited an hour, two and then three, I realized then, you weren't coming home to me. Four hours, five, six and still alone, I couldn't sleep so at two in the morning, I left our home. Searching for you, I didn't understand, What had made you so angry? Was this part of your plan? I emailed and messaged you, but you did not reply. One day gone, two, three, four, five! I couldn't understand, had my love lost his mind?? The nights reflected my mood, the skies all cried. Where were you love? Where did you hide? Was it drugs that kept you away? I prayed and I prayed for your safety every day. Sixth day, seventh, eight, nine, ten... And that was the day, I found you again. But not you, just where you were, You were living in Klamath...with her. Her name I will not say, But the day you left, you went away. Permanently, you had changed lives, You had another woman, the news cut me like knives. Pregnant with our baby, I searched for you high and low. Worried sick about you, I prayed for someone to know. I filed a missing persons report And then I found out, You'd been 'slamming' and whoring, it was you without a doubt. For these homeless had info of where you lived and with whom you'd hangout! I was horrified to hear them say, "He's been using drugs, get tested today!" And then I was told, you were courting her, Not too long after you moved in with me. My mind was all a blur!! I was given the number of your mistress, My head was spinning in tears and distress! How could this be? My love had done all this to me? To our baby unborn? When he to my face had sworn, He loved me Soulfully and he'd never do that, But the love in my life, was but a sewer rat! I came to find out the four nights he was gone, He was having sex with her not caring it was wrong. She spilled the beans, when I called her to say "I hear you have my husband, he's been missing for days. We're expecting a child and I don't know what to say. I have no idea why he'd treat me this way!" She was horrified and didn't know about me, but she kicked him to the curve almost instantly! He walked his ass back to town, late in the night. Seven hours of pouring rain, couldn't wash away the parasite, that had taken over his heart and soul almost overnight! She spared no details and it hurt like hell, He lied to us both and hide it so well! He was living a double life and getting off on it too, "I remember how loving and hands on he was with me, after being with you" I said to her, with all disgust. He was enjoying all this lust. He tried to lie about me when he knew he got caught, That I was just some girl, who bothered him a lot! That he got me pregnant but I had an abortion, There truly was no end to his lies and distortion. She was much older then us about fourteen years, She'd been there and done that and it seemed to her quite clear, "Darlin, he's a sociopath, I've seen them before" They lie and they cheat and those I deplore!" I hardly slept that night once again, Adding one more night to my other ten. When I finally fell asleep I woke suddenly, 'This man is going to hurt baby and me!' He'd done it before, to his own family! I was scared, he could find me so easily! But that day, Divine Intervention came into play. He tried to steal a phone charger from Rite Aid, And got caught during his escapade. The police arrested him and called me to say "We have your husband in custody as of today. He's charged with a misdemeanor but here he will stay, he's wanted in Oregon for fleeing one day." The nightmare was over, he would not come out, He'll be shipped to Oregon where he'll have no bailout. He'll do his time, for fleeing away, I think that Karma got him that day. For all that he did, the damage he caused, The hearts that he broke, the lifes that he paused. He hurt many women, many before me, But I was the one with a spiritual posse. Divinely protected and determined to find, What the hell he was up to, now he's serving his time. There you sat today searching my eyes, For the love that I once held for you, could reach the skies. You could tell that I had changed, no longer did I try, To build you up and try to figure out why, You had done this to us, you're simply a bad guy. You noticed, I still wore your ring, I confessed that to me, it meant everything. We were both moonchildren, both wore moon rings, When we met that night in Spring. I will always wear his ring and then give it to our son. One day when he is grown and his life has begun. For he'll get to know his dad, in a kinder shade of gray, Not as the man, who sits before me today. Pathetic and alone, No friends to call his own. Manipulative and vindictive, He reaps what he has sewn. Still, it was real for me, The man who he portrayed himself to be. Is the man I have mourned his absentee. But it seems he was a fictitious character, in this writers life, Where his main character had a home, a baby and wife. And so I am left to heal, From what was never real, And it's a mind fuck! Who has such luck?!! To fall in love with a ghost, An evil spirit in a human host! And still I see him sitting there, Looking vulnerable, holding the phone, In silence as we both stare, Once upon a time, I thought that he cared, Safe in his arms that I could swear. Not knowing he was stuff of nightmares! Our thirty minutes were up and I said "Be safe and take care" He said "you too" we hung up and we sat there. No one came right away, so he called me again. We didn't really speak, I mean, he's not even a friend. He thanked me for visting him, in the end. I don't know what it is, but I really do care and I hope he becomes a better man, he'll be in my prayer. For our child's sake As well as his soul All his disasters have taken a toll, You can see it in his defeated face, He's lost all control. He spoke of ending his life, And that path was already set, I spoke afterwards with the sheriff that I met. They would speak to him and keep a firm eye. I won't worry about him, cause he always lies. I reminded him, he has a son, When his probations' all done, And he seeks balance once more, Come be his child's mentor To keep that in mind, While he does his time. It didn't seem to phase him much, I have no more pitty for him and such. That's all I can offer. I know that he suffers, But I no longer have time for him. It's about baby and me, And all will agree, I've gone out on a limb. For someone who wouldn't give me a twig, No matter how deep I could dig, To show my love for him. I walked out feeling peace This pain I release, And fill myself with Love! I feel blessed and renewed And got rid of this dude That I never hope to encounter again. Not close or afar, This was very biazrre, But I thank God and Universe, For keeping me safe, My intuition awake. I Am Blessed and Loved, From the angels above. And thank them for the lessons through my mistakes. |
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